EXTRA FOR MINISTRY WIVES 

Working towards good ministry marriages

How can we tell what is wrong and how can we know how to put it right? We need some wisdom.

Understanding and Wisdom

So many ministry spouses feel left out of their loved one’s lives. Ministry is very demanding and can become quite pressured. We can get squeezed out because ‘we understand’ and we want to relieve some of that pressure. We make sacrifices to help our husbands because we love them. This may bring short-term relief but it causes problems when it becomes a long-term pattern. We may wake up one day and realise the space we made for our husband is now a vast chasm that we are unwilling or unable to cross - even if we still love the person on the other side of the bed.

God made a married couple in the Garden of Eden, He looked at what He had made and said, “It is very good,” (Genesis ch1 v31) but the reality for many today is that when looking at their own marriage it is not good. Something is clearly wrong.

How can we tell what is wrong and how can we know how to put it right? We need some wisdom. Scripture says, “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it costs you all you have, get understanding.”

You are a beautiful child of God and you have been given a wonderful marriage partner who God knew about before either of you were even born. (You may both need some work to let more of that beauty shine through but it’s there!) I can see in my own life how God was carefully manoeuvring my husband and I together; how He arranged a whole raft of circumstances to make sure we met. He had a good marriage in mind. It is a marriage worth working for and the same is true of yours. I hope you agree.

“I am saved,” we need to say. Not just saved from something but saved for something, and part of that something you are saved for is ministry with your husband that is GOOD.

How do we get wisdom? The Bible says, “Christ is the power of God and the Wisdom of God.” Whether or not we are struggling in our marriage or in any other aspect of our ministry we must “put on Christ”. I know my dear struggling friends that you find this hard when you are feeling so down. Let me tell you how to put on Christ our Wisdom. We need to pray out, “Jesus you are the Lord of my life.” Say it out loud so that it goes into the hearing part of our brain as well as the thinking part; write it down so in goes in the seeing and doing parts of our brain. “I am saved,” we need to say. Not just saved from something (all the rubbish Satan and life pour into you) but saved for something, and part of that something you are saved for is ministry with your husband that is GOOD. This is the wisdom and understanding from which all our actions to enjoy our marriages must begin.

Let us pray and agree together that you are a wonderful child of God and that God has beauty and joy in mind for your marriage and ministry. Then I shall offer some other things for you to ponder. 

You pray:

Praise you Holy Father.

I declare today that my husband and I are beautiful children of God. I choose to put on Jesus this day and I say, “Jesus You are Lord of my life, You are Lord of my marriage and Lord of my ministry”. In the name of Jesus I agree with Linda that God has only good in mind for our marriage and ministry. Amen

Sometimes, if I was upset about something, I used to lie in bed at night awake and wait for my husband to come home from a meeting.

Now some less obviously biblical points.

Your husband cannot read your mind. Have you told him clearly that you are not happy? Don’t decide for him that he is under too much pressure right now to speak with you. Don’t hint – speak it out clearly. Sometimes, if I was upset about something, I used to lie in bed at night awake and wait for my husband to come home from a meeting. He would go into the living room to unwind for a while believing I was asleep and I would be lying there saying under my breath, “Come upstairs. Please, come upstairs, find me awake and ask me what’s the matter.” Ugh? How is he supposed to know? It is quite possible that your spouse has no idea that you are unhappy. It is also quite possible that your spouse is unhappy himself but believes you are fine and doesn’t want to rock the boat. It is possible that there is a fear that if problems are spoken out loud then it will all fall apart. It is possible too that your husband is on the brink of collapse and needs you to cling closer and harder than ever before. There are many other possibilities but you won’t know unless you talk about it.

Praying for your marriage

To help you pray effectively for your husband I highly recommend Stormie Ormarton’s book “The power of a praying wife.” (Her husband has written a book for husbands but I have not read that.) Her testimony is that she actually had her bags packed to leave her husband but that God showed her how to start praying that marriage back to life. It is something you can do with no input from your spouse. The book has a page of teaching and a great prayer on every aspect of a husband’s life. It works well for marriages that are in good shape too, so you never need to stop.

If you can’t get hold of that book you can pray anyway. Write a list of everything to do with your spouse, his/her character, work, prayer life, finances, ego, friendships, mental health, physical health, parenting etc. You may continually think of more that you need to add to the list as days and weeks go by. There are about 40 topics in Stormie Ormaton’s book.

Each day pray first for yourself and ask the Lord to change you where it is needed and to make you open to receive His insight into your relationship with your spouse. Then take one of those subjects and lift it to God and pray over that area in as much detail as you can – all your hurt, all your sadness, all your joys when good things come. See if you can find some relevant Bible verses to encourage you that God does want to bring good things in this area of your marriage.

Don’t be disappointed if your efforts are greeted with suspicion, totally ignored or dismissed. It may take time for the relationship to get out of debt and into credit allowing your offering to be received with the love that you had hoped it would.

Make some love investments into your marriage, especially if it is a long time since you last did. If things are really bad don’t do anything that requires something in return at first. (For example, make a nice meal but just eat it in the normal way you eat meals – don’t put pressure on your spouse by making it an intimate candle lit dinner after you have sent the children to bed – not at first anyway. I realise this example is not appropriate to everyone but I hope you see the principle). Don’t be disappointed if your efforts are greeted with suspicion, totally ignored or dismissed. I know this could be a shock to some marriages that have suffered a lot. It may take time for the relationship to get out of debt and into credit allowing your offering to be received with the love that you had hoped it would. Keep a measured head and keep investing appropriately.

What do I mean by ‘appropriately’? Some people make many gestures of love to their spouse but, when questioned, the spouse says they feel unloved. What is going on here?

There are different ways of showing someone that you love them. It is natural for us to assume that the way we like our spouse to show love to us is also the way that he wants us to show love in return. It doesn’t always work like that.

Dr Gary Chapman has identified what he calls the “five languages of love” Some people most need you to speak words of affirmation – they flourish most with words of compliment and building-up statements. Others will need quality time more than that, they feel most love when you give them chunks of one to one attention. There are those who would make it their first choice to have some physical contact such as a cuddle or snuggling up together on the sofa. Another person feels most loved when given little gifts. Lastly, there are those who feel especially loved when they receive acts of service or help. We all benefit from all of these now and again but our character, situation and the way we were brought up will have shaped our need for the one we appreciate most.

Discovering your own and your spouses preference for gestures of love is important, particularly if you are struggling and are not naturally meeting one another’s needs. Think about what you consider the best times - those when you have felt most loved. Try to share this information with your husband . Can you get the reciprocal information about your spouse? Gaining these insights (and acting upon them) can change the way you relate to one another for the good.

When we first become a Christian we exercise faith to receive Jesus in our lives. We become something new and it is all God’s doing. It is this same faith that you have already demonstrated that allows God to change your marriage when you give it into His hands. He will bring good though your prayer and wise actions.

Let us pray together again. This is my prayer for you please join with me in it:

Heavenly and Loving Father,

we join together in faith to say ‘please help’. Only You can breath life into something lifeless and we ask for You to do that right now in this struggling ministry marriage. Bring help, bring insight, restore a view of the way it is meant to be. Just as the Israelites were chased into an impossible corner with the Egyptians pursuing, so feels this lovely spouse of a minister today, chased by many things into this hard place. Moses believed you would open up the way for your chosen people all those years ago, and I believe today You have a miraculous new path for this couple to tread. We say together, ‘show the way’. Amen.

(place holder)

Return to top       Return to Home Page

This article © Linda Faber 2006-2009.